1.
“Ciao Bella! What is your name?”
My jaw gaped open. I think my blank stare gave it away. His eyes looked eager.
“Lauren”, I blurted out. Where that came from, I will never know. My name isn’t Lauren- not even close. But that didn’t matter. All he wanted was a drink; all I wanted was to sprint into the Venetian night.
Reminder: Creepy Italian Purse Venders- never make eye contact ever again; in fear of public humiliation.
2.
My mind is playing tricks on me. As if I am going 100 miles per hour through a marshmallow. I lose my balance. I can only imagine what that looked like to the people behind me- a walrus on ice skates. The snow numbs my hands, then my head, then my knees and then my head again.
I see my hat, rolling down the mountain, fleeing from the terrible skier its attempts to keep warm.
Reminder: Skiing in the Alps. Leave it to your rock star snowboarder brother. Would rather sip Swiss hot coco at hotel.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
The reminders at the end of each section are a nice touch and help unify everything. At this point it is difficult to see where you are going with this narrative and what your question is going to be, however that's understandable as this is only your first page.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like it is going to be interesting, but at this point it is sort of hard to follow. I don't want to say that it should be more clear because as you write more I'm sure it will make more sense. I like the style you are writing in, I can really hear your voice in it. Keep up the good work!!
ReplyDeleteI like the style of this. It's very nicely done. I would like to see where this goes.
ReplyDelete"My jaw gaped open. " That's a bit awkward, as is the rest of that line. I get what you mean, but maybe consider rewording.
Some of the grammar needs fixing. I know I shouldn't be commenting on that too much, but it is a bit distracting. Check it over. Reading it out loud slowly, making sure you get every word helps a lot.
Also, I don't really see how the Italian guy saying “Ciao Bella! What is your name?”
freaks you out so much. There is some little bit of information in that section that is missing, and makes it a bit confusing.
I like the line "All he wanted was a drink; all I wanted was to sprint into the Venetian night. " that is very well done. However, I'm not really sure how you jump to the conclusion of him wanting a drink, as that really isn't mentioned anywere else. Show us something that makes the guy seem REALLY creepy.
Also, one little thing about the second section. Maybe say a walrus on Skiis, rather than ice skates as you say later that you are skiing.
Also, what tricks are your mind playing on you? You just sort of say that without ellaborating. That would make that muuuch better if you got more into the tricks your mind was playing with you rather than just saying it is. That would help you also tie in your mind automatically jumping to calling yourself by a different name in the first section.
That whole section seems a bit choppy and jumpy, and some of the pieces don't really seem to make much sense together. I think you need to either ellaborate on some things, or remove them completely.
However, I really do like where you're going with this, and it's a really good start. Can't wait to see the rest! :D
I really liked it so far. I like all of the similies, i think thats what they are. I like how it definatley follows the collage kind of format, its random but at the same time is coming to a plot based story. As others said I'm not sure where it is going, but is interesting and compels me to read more.
ReplyDelete